[Ha- o-/ I a- o-/ Ja- o-/ Ka- o-/ La- o-/ Ma- o-/ Na- o-]
Half the people you know are below average.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
"Haven't you got any books about committing suicide here in this library? I can't find any at all." "Well, it's awful. The people never bring'em back!"
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us. --Konrad Zacharias Lorenz (1903-89)
I don't have a fear of flying. I have a fear of not flying. --Andrew Dice Clay
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I envy people who drink--at least they know what to blame everything on. --Oscar Leavant
I gave up visiting my psychoanalyst because he was always meddling too much in my private life. --Tennessee Williams (1911-83)
"‘I hate quotations; tell me what you know,’ to quote Ralph Waldo Emerson."
I have an inferiority complex...but it's not a very good one.
I have the very highest opinion of scandal. It is founded on the most sacred of things--that is, Truth, and it is built up by the most beautiful of the things--that is, Imagination. --William Hurrell Mallock (1849-1923)
I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
I know that's a secret, for it's whispered everywhere. --William Congreve (1670-1729)
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. --Sir Winston (Leonard Spencer) Churchill (1874-1965)
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I was brought up to respect my elders so now I don't have to respect anybody. --George (Nathan Birnbaum) Burns (1896-1996)
I wish dear Karl could have spent some time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it. --Jenny Marx: Karl (Heinrich) Marx(1818-83)'s mother
"If a girl falls down, why can't her brother help her to her feet?" "How can he be a brother and assist her, too?"
If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. --George (Nathan Birnbaum) Burns (1896-1996)
In an undeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air. --Jonathan Roban
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. --Sam(uel) Levenson (1911-80)
"It's windy today!" "No, it's Thursday!" "Me, too. Let's have something to drink at that cafe."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Ken." "Ken who?" "Can I come in?"
Know him? I know him so well that I haven't spoken to him for ten years. --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
A lawyer will do anything to win a case. Sometimes, he will even tell the truth. --Patrick Murray
Listen = Silent (anagram)
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President of the United States. The President was so impressed and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, they deducted $95.
Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. --Louis Ginsburg
"Madam, I'm Adam." "Eve." --palindrome
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama! --palindrome
Man shall not live by pun alone. --Domino2
Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. --Bertrand (Arthur William) Russell (1872-1970)
Marriage isn't a word; it's a sentence. --King (Wallis) Vidor (1894-1982)
Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Men always want to be a woman's first love; women like to be a man's last romance. --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. --Walter Matthau (1920-)
"My doctor tells me to give up smoking, drinking, fatty food and overwork." "What are you going to do?" "I think I'm going to give up my doctor."
My dog understands every word I say but ignores it. --Michael Green
My parents had only one argument for forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years. --Cathy Ladman
A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent. --Jerome Laurence
Nostalgia: when you find the present tense and past perfect.